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We think fast food is equivalent to pornography, nutritionally speaking. ~Steve Elbert
Fast food in New Orleans? Why, oh why, in this bastion of savory spices and succulent seafood would one ever want to fall back on fast food or chain restaurants? You wouldn’t. You shouldn’t. But for some Krystal burger will be a unique experience and therefore deserves mention. Not to mention when every restaurant and convenience store has shut down and you just want a quick cheap bite Krystal is usually your only option.
Krystal’s northern equivalent is White Castle, the eatery Hollywood made famous with Harold and Kumar. Not everyone has been to one of these “burger” establishments and are in for a rare “treat at the end of Bourbon Street.” As a matter of fact Krystal burger is the only notable fast food chain present in the French Quarter. They call their burgers “sliders.” I prefer “gut-bombs.” The idea is that instead of one big honking burger, you feast on any number of smaller burgers and enjoy the clogging of your lower GI, your arteries and the arteries of your yet as unborn progeny. But at 3:21AM with your mind riding the alcoholic tilt-a-whirl, these things are damn tasty!
Their fare is traditional fast food: burgers, fries, soda but they are one of the rare fast food joints that also offer hot dogs called Krystal pups also miniature (Chihuahuas maybe). Krystal also offers breakfast and internet access. There is a machine you slide money into and buy minutes for access to the net should you be sans computer. Good to know in case of emergencies.
Of course nothing exists in New Orleans with having a little bit of the Big Easy style and influence. Inside Krystal above the entry is a wall of fame. Signed photographs of some New Orleans legends who have “dined” within these hallowed walls. You’ll see such notables as Al Hirt, Marva Wright and Irma Thomas.
And above all it’s just kind of kitschy fun. It’s definitely not a must-do but it’s good to know it’s there if you want it to be.
The time has come, to speak of many things, of beads and floats and Leprechauns, of cabbages and kings. Well some people blog about events after they happened. What good is that? You’ll have to wait a whole year to attend in many cases. So being a goof Irishman here I am giving you the heads up on New Orleans third largest celebration: St. Patrick’s Day!
Most people do not realize New Orleans is the second largest point of Irish immigration in the United States! We have a whole section of town known as The Irish Channel. St. Patrick’s church still gives the Latin mass. And there are a variety of Irish pubs all throughout the city.
Each year the festivities begin two weekends before the actual day itself with what else, a parade! But this is just a warm up, a “practice parade.” So they claim. At these parades your typical throw deviates quite from the norm in it’s form and the fact that they are often not thrown. In the Downtown marching parades expect men in suits to hand out cloth roses, garters, and kisses: real and stick-on. Also look for the rolling Irish Pub on wheels! In the Uptown parades with floats expect everything you would from a regular parade, the stuff from the Downtown parade, and cabbages. Yes cabbages and a variety of other vegetables that can be used for a stew. Bring those cabbages to a local pub and redeem them for prizes! Until recently the cabbages were thrown but now they are handed to parade goers (something to do with insurance. Imagine that!).
To get the whole list of parades and events go here:
http://www.nola.com/festivals/index.ssf/2010/02/metro_new_orleans_area_saint_p.html
Three great places you will want to be on these glorious days: The Kerry Irish Pub, Finn McCool’s, and Parasol’s. Theses three reside in the Quarter, Mid-City, and the Irish Channel (Uptown) respectively.
The Kerry (331 Decatur St.) has been voted time and time again the best pour of Guinness in the city. With the true feel of a traditional Irish pub you can come in and rub elbows with visitors and locals alike. They don’t serve food regularly but put out special nosh for special events and what event is more special than this? Every night live music plays and you can bet this weekend it will all be of an Irish theme.
Finn McCool’s (3701 Bank St.) Named for the son of the ancient Celtic warrior Cumhail (coo-el) this is where you bring your cabbages for prizes! This famous pub has it all and I will be reviewing it in depth in another blog. Again this year they had a short story writing contest to win a keg of Guinness. On the day of days they’ll have pipers, free food, and the worlds shortest St. Patrick’s day parade. Check it all out at www.finmccools.com.
Parasol’s(2533 Constance St.) A block away from Magazine St. and the Garden District lies Parasol’s home of the biggest block party in the city! This tiny neighborhood bar will host a party that shuts down streets, diverts traffic and creates a fog of green mayhem that can be seen from space! Even
when it’s not a holiday Parasol’s is known for it’s big tasty po’ boy sandwiches. My brother and I ate there for my birthday and I can tell you their catfish po’ boy is amazing! And filling. Stop in and chow on seafood and sandwiches and snacks while slaking your thirst with a Guinness or a myriad of other beers foreign and domestic.
Joke of the day: Two Irish men walk out of a pub…it could happen. 
Sit, Stay, Hangover.
A dog limps into a saloon and says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” At the end or the beginning of Conti Street, depending on your orientation, on the corner of Burgundy, lies a bar that is more truly New Orleans than any I can think of. They bill themselves as a sports bar, and they do play sports on their 12ft.HD TV screen, but we all know the truth. They are a local’s joint. This place is the heart into and out of which pumps the life blood of this city: the service industry! Any traveler should know that if you want the authentic scene in any city go where the waiters, bartenders, cooks and strippers go. And you’ll find them all here. In the afternoon for laid back conversation and recovery from the previous night’s antics the locals roll in and out. In the evening they all roll in, at all hours, to blow off steam and get a little crazy. Things really get rockin’ around 4AM.
bras and dollars on ceiling
“Four?” you say? Yes, this is one of the legendary places in the Quarter open 24/7/363 ½.
Dogballs and Tots
What keeps ‘em coming back? For starters their amazing menu featuring such things as Chili Cheese Tater Tots, Gravy Fries, The Gumbo Sandwich, The Salisbury Burger and their famous 12 hour smoked barbecue. When I ate there last I had the Dog Balls with tots. It’s a Swedish meatball sandwich with gooey cheese and plenty of gravy!
But the place also provides entertainment, sports, video poker, and the largest screen Golden Tee golf game in the city! They also have a laundromat! But what’s the real secret? Well, I’m sure that would be the twenty four hour two-for-one drink special! And this is a real drink special, not your Bourbon St. 
3-for-1 that gives you a choice of Bud or Miller and costs you $9.25 (three for one? and monkeys are flying out my butt). No, here at The Dog the bottled beer and the liquor, all the liquor, top and bottom shelf, are two-for-one twenty four hours a day!
Remember my article in the book “White Trash Chic?” Well you’ll feel right at home here with an excellent selection of the best of the worst: High Life, Natural Light, PBR, Dixie and Mickey’s.
On top of all of this The Dog is the focal point of many events of truly local flavor. On French Quarter Fest weekend (April 9-11) they will have their annual Crawfish Boil Bash that I spoke of in the previous blog. By far the crowning event at this bar is The Running of the Bulls, this year on July 9th at 8AM sharp! It features grandma’s secret Sangria recipe, 4000 people in white with red sashes, and a stable full of Roller Derby girls with wiffle-ball bats (the “bulls”). The event became world famous on its first year (www.nolabulls.com)!
Any time anything is going on, or nothing at all, you can bet there will be people of local flavor at the Three Legged Dog celebrating.
So if you’re in town and you need to be clean, fed, drunk and entertained, and you want to party like or with the locals…there is simply no better place than The Three Legged Dog.
Holy Crimson Crustacean Corpses Batman!
Crawfish at the Alpine
The evidence is all over, on the street, in the parks, under benches and in dumpsters. Little red chitinous cadavers in a pile or brown bag or strewn randomly like the aftermath of a mass killing spree. Which it sort of is. Yup, crawfish season is again upon us! It starts in March and proceeds through June. Unfortunately, due to the cold weather the little buggers haven’t been eating much and the season is slow. I was just at a site that quoted $3.32 a pound! But experts say the price is coming down.
Where to get ‘em? Well, ask a local as many bars around will have a boil going on the weekend. Places like Yo’ Mama’s Bar ( 727St. Peter). The Three Legged Dog (400 Burgundy) has an annual crawfish blowout in the summer: $10 all you can eat! Other places like the French Market Restaurant (Decatur and St. Phillip) and The Alpine (Chartres and Wilkinson) will have them on a more regular basis. And remember, when you ask, they are crawfish, crawdads or mudbugs, NOT crayfish (those are bait).
How to eat ‘em? Suck the head and pinch the tail! More specifically, rip the tail from the head and suck out all of the fat and juices that have absorbed all of the succulent spices from the boil. Grab the tail “fin” near the base and crush the last teensy bit of meat inside the shell. You will now be able to pluck the meat from the rest of the shell with your teeth. Don’t forget to fish out some onion, potato and corn from the boiling pot!
Crawfish are to New Orleans as wings are to Buffalo and crabs are to Baltimore. Hot, spicy, a whole lot of work for very little meat but they sure go great with a cold beer on a warm summer day!
Go here to hear local New Orleanian Ian McNulty talk about the coming season: http://stream.publicbroadcasting.net/production/mp3/wwno/local-wwno-887629.mp3
Fear and Loathing in New Orleans
We were about half way to Bourbon before the shots started to take effect. Greetings! Since this is my inaugural blog for the site I felt introductions were appropriate. Depending on which bar you’re at you might call me Chuck or Charles or Duffy. You might remember me from the New Orleans guide as the author of the “White Trash Chic” article. Since then so many things have changed. But that’s just part of living in this wonderful city of random merriment and spontaneous outbursts of parading.
As a tour guide I am constantly relating anecdotes, jokes, hauntings and the history of this fine city therefore blogging about it seems to be a perfect match! Now not only will I reach people already here but those who have yet to arrive. Consider me the “local in your pocket.” I’m going to blog about bars, restaurants, tours, history, architecture and what to do when you can’t remember the night before. I also write for a local satirical magazine so you can look forward to a slightly more irreverent tone in my blog. Information is good; entertainment is great! Don’t be afraid to let me know if you’re coming down. I’d be more than happy to meet you, show you around and let you buy me several rounds. But only in the coolest places, naturally! So read on ever mindful of the spirit of our fair city: laissez les bon temps rouler! Let the good times roll!
